This Is Life Without You
by The King's Soldier
Summary: "No matter how much her head insists that she made the right choice, Lexa knows in her heart that she will never be able to forgive herself." Lexa struggles to come to terms with her betrayal of Clarke as the coalition begins to unravel. Brief appearance by Clarke, but not a forgiveness story.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Author's Note: I wanted to take a shot at getting inside Lexa's head and showing how she handles her betrayal of Clarke, because I do think she genuinely cares for Clarke. Clarke does make an appearance in the middle, but this is not a forgiveness story and it does not end happily. Sorry. I just didn't feel like I could have them both make up and live happily every after while still being true to their characters. So this is not a fix-it story, but rather a character study on Lexa. Enjoy!

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**This Is Life Without You**

The walk back to Tondc is the longest of Lexa's life. The further they get from the mountain, the harder it becomes to place one foot in front of the other. It is as if there is some invisible rope connecting her back to Clarke and Lexa is stretching it to the point of breaking. She tries to focus on something else, anything else. But there is an iron fist clenched around her chest and she can barely breathe. Even the familiarity of the forest brings no comfort. The sounds of the woods used to calm her. The lullaby of a warrior. But tonight the familiar sounds are drowned out by Clarke's voice still ringing in her ears.

"_What did you do?"_

"_What you would've done. Saved my people." _

It was a lie, of course. They both know Clarke would never have done this. She would have found another way. Or at least, she would have tried. Not even Clarke can work miracles. Instead, both of their peoples would probably have been slaughtered. At least this way some of the prisoners made it out of the mountain alive. At least this way Lexa's people are safe.

"_Where are my people?"_

"_They weren't part of the deal."_

"_They'll all be killed."_

Lexa's shakes her head angrily and readjusts her grip on the knife at her belt as she tries to shake her mind free of the conversation. She looks around her at her people marching through the woods in an effort to draw strength from them. They took minimal casualties tonight. Lexa knows that is only because the fighting lasted for less than a full watch, but she tries to tell herself it is a victory nonetheless. Because it is a victory. Her people are free from the mountain. No more will they be bled dry for medicine or turned into savage monsters. For the first time in memory, the destiny of Lexa's people is firmly in their own hands.

And all it cost them was the lives of the Sky People.

"_But you don't care about that, do you?" _

Lexa grits her teeth as her chest tightens even further. She did nothing wrong tonight. Plans change in battle. Every warrior knows that. Sometimes a sacrifice must be made. Lexa is a leader. That requires her to put her people first in all things. Even when her heart wishes she could have done otherwise. Especially then. A leader cannot afford to have a heart. Love is weakness, after all. The Mountain Men gave her a chance to save her people, and she took it. To do anything less would have made her unworthy of the spirit that lives within her. She had to put her people first. The Sky People are not hers, and as such they are not her concern.

"_You want everyone to think you're above it all, but I see right through you."_

It takes all of her restraint not to slam her fist against a tree. It would not do for her warriors to see her so out of control. But even so, Lexa suddenly feels horribly agitated. Clarke always could see through her. It terrified Lexa to no end. And yet at the same time, it came as a relief. Clarke saw her. Truly saw her in a way no one else could. And in return, Lexa broke her foremost rule. She let Clarke into her heart. She should have known better. She opened herself up, and now she is paying the price. Because the look in Clarke's tear-filled eyes is now burned into her mind, and each step she takes feels like a knife in her heart.

"_What do you want?" _

"_My people back." _

The trees in front of Lexa begin to blur and shift. She bites down hard on the inside of her mouth until she tastes the metallic tang of blood. That clears things up a bit. But the ache in her chest has turned into a searing pain. Gustus' death could not possibly have hurt more than this. Because no matter what she tries to tell herself, Lexa knows in her heart that Clarke will not give up. Not when her people are in danger. She will not simply go home and fight another day. She will get into the mountain or she will die trying. And knowing the army that waits for her inside it, the odds of her surviving even until sunrise are not favorable. Not at all. Lexa has left her, and her people, there to die.

"_I know you felt for them. But you let them burn."_

"_Not everyone. Not you."_

While Lexa would never dare admit it aloud to anyone, she knows that she did not just save Clarke in Tondc because of the alliance. She saved Clarke because something in her could not stand by and watch Clarke burn. Because she was naïve enough to believe that she could have both Clarke and her people. But tonight the stakes changed. Tonight she could not save them both. So she chose her people as she knew she must. This time she walked away and left Clarke to burn.

And no matter how much her head insists that she made the right choice, Lexa knows in her heart that she will never be able to forgive herself.

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The rumors have already begun by the time Lexa wakes. Several of the scouts claim they saw a large group of Sky People walking through the woods just before dawn. At first, Lexa can make no sense of it. She knows the Sky People pulled back from the mountain shortly after her own army did. Could they have gone back? But several of the scouts insist they saw Clarke among the people, and one from Tondc claims he saw Bellamy as well. And all of the reports say that the Sky People seemed calm and unafraid. They walked with heads high as if they had just won a great battle. Lexa's heart leaps inside of her chest. Can it be possible?

She sends a group of scouts back to the mountain with clear instructions to pull back at the first sign of life. She dares not risk violating the fresh truce. But when the scouts return that afternoon, it is with wide eyes and shocked faces. They say in awed tones that the door to the mountain is open and the rooms beyond are filled with death. Not a single one of the Mountain Men remains alive. And not a single Sky Person is among the dead.

Lexa is weak with relief as she listens to the reports. Clarke has done it. She saved her people. And she is alive. Lexa did not doom her to death after all. She knows that will hardly matter to Clarke. The betrayal went deep, and Clarke will never forgive her for it. But at least Clarke is alive. At least her blood is not on Lexa's hands.

And then Lexa's veins turn cold as ice. Clarke took the mountain even without the Grounder army. Lexa knows she had to take the deal with Mount Weather. She knows she had to save her people, knows she could not have made any other choice. But regardless, even her head is beginning to wonder if she should have stayed. If Clarke took the mountain alone, if she saved her people singlehandedly, then surely she could have found a way to save Lexa's too.

Suddenly it feels as if the ground has opened up beneath Lexa. She sinks down into a chair as she realizes what the victory of the Sky People truly means. By destroying the mountain, Clarke has destroyed the need for Lexa to ally with it. She has destroyed the reason for Lexa's betrayal. And in so doing, she has destroyed whatever remained of Lexa's heart. Because the only thing worse than Lexa knowing that she left Clarke to die is knowing that she did it for nothing.

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She waits two days before calling for a small delegation of warriors. She tells them that she wishes to speak with the Sky People about the status of their truce. Indra is among those chosen to accompany Lexa, and if she is skeptical of her commander's claim, she says nothing.

The walk to the camp of the Sky People seems to take an eternity. Lexa can feel her heart slamming in her chest with every step she takes. She knows Clarke will not forgive her for what happened at the mountain. But Lexa still needs to see her, even if it is only for a moment. She needs to know that Clarke is indeed safe. Maybe then she will be able to forgive herself for what she has done.

The giant gate does not slide open in welcome as it once did. Instead the guard beside it begins yelling for Bellamy. The people beyond look angry. Lexa steels herself against their glares and whispered words. She cares not what they think of her. She is here only to ensure that their two peoples are not at war now. And to see that Clarke lives.

Finally the gate opens slightly and a small group comes out. Bellamy, Octavia, Lincoln, and Kane. Clarke is notably absent. She has always been the one responsible for speaking with the Grounders. For her to not be present at this meeting is worrying. Perhaps she was injured in the fighting? Despite her growing fear, Lexa keeps her face stern as the four Sky People approach her. She will not show weakness in front of them.

"You're not welcome here," Bellamy says flatly.

"Bellamy," Lexa says in acknowledgement.

Her tone makes it clear that he should not speak to her in such a manner. But instead of chastising Bellamy, the comment only makes Octavia glare harder at Lexa. If looks could kill, Lexa would not stand a chance. Or so the expression of the Sky People goes. That has always seemed an odd expression to Lexa. How could a look kill someone? But Clarke says that-

Lexa crushes that line of thought right there. She is here for a purpose.

"What do you want?" Bellamy asks as if on cue. Lexa notes with interest that Kane seems content to stand back and let the younger man take charge. Apparently the victory over Mount Weather has shifted the balance of power among the Sky People.

"I wish to discuss the state of our alliance," Lexa says in her most regal voice.

"There is no alliance, thanks to you," Octavia hisses. Lincoln puts a hand on her arm as if afraid she might try to attack. Lexa does not blame him. Octavia is a fierce warrior, but sometimes she is too fiery for her own good.

"Maybe not," Kane says. He steps forward to stand by Bellamy, who turns his head to listen. It would seem Kane's role is now that of advisor. "But there could still be a truce. There would be no friendship between our peoples, but no fighting either."

"Okay," Bellamy says with a nod. "We can discuss the possibility of a truce."

He emphasizes the word "possibility" and his voice makes it clear that the interests of the Sky People will come first here.

"Not with her we won't," Octavia says, still glaring at Lexa. "She betrayed Clarke. She can't be trusted."

"Then what do you suggest?" Marcus asks her calmly. "You and Lincoln know these people best."

Octavia and Lincoln exchange a look that seems to hold an entire conversation. Then they both nod and direct their gazes right past Lexa.

"We'll meet with Indra," Octavia says so all the Grounders can hear. She looks at Lexa as if daring the commander to challenge her. "No one else."

Bellamy and Kane seem to find that acceptable. Lexa surveys their face before looking over her shoulder at Indra. The chief appears to be holding her breath as she waits to see how Lexa will take this. Refusing to treat with the commander could be seen as a grave insult. But Lexa ignored Abby in favor of speaking with Clarke, so she supposes there is a precedent.

"Fine," she says, turning back around. She keeps her head high, trying to look dignified. "I will allow Indra to meet with you. She speaks with my voice on this matter."

"Great," Octavia says drily. She turns toward the gate and motions for Indra to follow her. "Let's get this over with."

"Before you discuss a truce," Lexa blurts out, causing Octavia and Lincoln to turn back, "I wish to speak with your leader."

"I'm afraid that won't possible," Kane says in his diplomatic way. "Abby is very weak-"

"Not her," Lexa corrects. "Clarke."

Suddenly there is a very awkward silence as the four Sky People all look at one another. Octavia in particular looks torn between shock and the desire to leap forward and tear Lexa's throat out. Something is definitely wrong.

"Clarke's not here," Bellamy says finally.

"What do you mean?" Lexa asks in confusion. The scouts were sure they had seen Clarke. But perhaps she was injured in the fighting...

"He means she's gone," Octavia spits. "She walked us all home, and then she left."

"Why would she do that?" Lexa asks. It makes no sense. Clarke would never abandon her people. She faced the mountain alone to save them. And now she has left them?

"Because of you," Octavia says angrily.

"O-" Bellamy begins, but Octavia cuts her off.

"No, it's her fault!" Octavia yells at him. "If she hadn't sold us out, then we could've stuck with the plan! Clarke would never have had to kill all those people! She wouldn't be carrying that guilt, and she would never have left!"

Octavia turns around and takes a threatening step toward Lexa. Bellamy touches her arm, but she shakes him off. She has eyes only for the commander now.

"You're the one who taught her it's okay to burn innocent people," Octavia says fiercely. "You're the one who left her with no choice. Their blood is on her hands because of you! She trusted you! And you destroyed her!"

Lexa's throat is so tight she could not speak even if she wanted to. Octavia is right. This is her fault. She had thought Clarke dying was the worst possible outcome here, but she was wrong. This is far worse. She knows how much Clarke abhors the shedding of innocent blood. Clarke could barely even stomach what happened in Tondc. For her to have wiped out the mountain is to go against her very self. That would surely have broken her. Broken her so badly that apparently she feels the need to separate herself completely from her people. That is a fate far worse than death, especially for Clarke. And she suffers it because of Lexa.

"But you don't care," Octavia continues in an unknowing mimic of Clarke's own words. "You never cared. Clarke was just a means to an end for you. And when you didn't need her anymore, you just threw her away. Well, guess what? We didn't need you either. Clarke had five of us with her when she got inside Mount Weather, and she only ended up needing two. Three people brought down that mountain, Lexa. Three people. So yeah, we didn't need you. But Clarke did. You could've saved her. But you didn't. You just walked away like a coward."

"That's enough," Indra hisses.

Frankly, Lexa is surprised she let Octavia say that much. The fact that she did says that Indra is not happy with how things turned out either. She has said more than once that Octavia was the best second she has had. She never said it to Octavia's face, of course. But Lexa knows that Indra has developed something of a soft spot for Octavia. Leaving her behind must have stung. Which is probably the reason she let Octavia live. Indra is a loyal warrior, and for that she will follow Lexa without question. But that does not means she always agrees with Lexa.

"She gets it, O," Bellamy says. Octavia falls silent, visibly biting back whatever else she might have been about to say. Then Bellamy turns his attention to Lexa. "We just got out of a war, and we don't want another one. So we'll discuss a possible truce with Indra. But you, commander, are not welcome here."

It is terrible form to deny entry to a fellow leader, but none of the other three Sky People show any sign of protesting. Lexa does not really expect them to. Besides, her warriors are far too busy whispering amongst themselves about the mountain falling to three people to notice that their leader had just been snubbed.

"Fine," Lexa says coldly. "I will return to my people. Indra will remain here with five warriors to negotiate your truce."

"Fine," Bellamy says.

Lexa turns without another word and begins walking back in the direction of Tondc. Her warriors immediately part to create a path for her. She can hear Indra behind her calling the names of which warriors will remain with her. Lexa does not have the heart to care who Indra chooses. Her eyes have landed on the hills covered with trees, and she feels a pain in her chest that is quickly becoming all too familiar. Clarke is out there somewhere, alone with the guilt Lexa knows she carries. The thought is a painful one. Lexa has done far worse than kill Clarke. She has broken her and cast her adrift in the world.

Her eyes are burning and her throat is so tight it hurts, but Lexa keeps her head high as she walks. She will not give in to weakness. Clarke is a survivor. She will be fine. She will. She has to be. Because if it turns out that she is not, the guilt just might destroy Lexa.

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At first, their newfound freedom from the mountain is a cause of great celebration among Lexa's people. The festivities last for days as all of the clans come together to eat and drink. They have conquered the enemy. Lexa resists the constant urge to point out that it was actually Clarke who did the conquering while the Grounders ran away. However, it was Lexa who secured the initial truce with the mountain, and that seems to be good enough for her people.

But the thrill of victory cannot last forever. It takes very little time before the coalition begins to show signs of unraveling. Lexa had only managed to unite the twelve clans in the first place because of the threat of the Mountain Men. Having a common enemy forced them to put aside their differences and work together. And for a time it had worked. But with that threat gone, the differences among the clans are once more rising to the surface.

It starts small at first. Arguments mostly. Over time, however, restlessness gives rise to violence. A missing scout here, a suspicious accident there. And then it becomes full rebellion. Some of the clans want to leave the coalition. But Lexa will not have that. She fought too hard to unite them. So she takes her warriors out to teach the rebellious clans a lesson. As angry as she is that force has once more become necessary, a part of her revels in it. War she understands. War she can handle. And it gives her something to focus on besides her regret. For the first time since the mountain, Lexa feels whole again.

Hammering the coalition back into line is no small task, but Lexa is confident that they will manage. She is not wrong. The first campaign is a success. It is during this campaign as Lexa is walking back to her tent one night after debriefing her generals that she catches sight of Nyko at a campfire. A group of young seconds still hot from the day's battle have gathered around him clamoring for a story. Aside from being a respected healer, Nyko is also a wonderful teller of stories. He has only just finished patching up the wounded and clearly sat down intending to eat a well-earned dinner, but he is kind enough to humor his young companions anyway.

Lexa shakes her head as she walks by. She is close enough to hear the seconds each pressing for stories she herself knows by heart. And then one voice rises above the other.

"Tell us of Clarke of the Sky People," a girl says.

Lexa stumbles to a halt. She had not expected to hear Clarke's name mentioned here. She should have, of course. The legends of Clarke of the Sky People are already taking on mythic proportions. According to some of the stories, there were over a thousand soldiers waiting inside Mount Weather and Clarke destroyed them all singlehandedly. Even the most seasoned of warriors say her name the way one would say a prayer. The fact that Clarke has disappeared only adds to her legend. Some people claim to have caught glimpses of a golden-haired ghost in the woods, like a guardian spirit watching over the Sky People. None of these sightings have been confirmed, but the stories continue to grow regardless. That works out just fine for the Sky People. Many of the Grounders now give them a respectful berth. They are protected by the one who destroyed the mountain, and as such they are not to be trifled with.

"Yes," a boy at the campfire says eagerly. "They say you fought beside her."

"I did," Nyko confirms before taking a bite of his stew.

"I heard she can kill a man just by looking at him," another boy says.

"That is stupid," the girl says, giving him a shove.

"Then how did she kill all of the Mountain Men by herself?" the boy asks indignantly.

"She has no strange powers," Nyko tells them.

"Then what is she like?" the girl asks.

Nyko looks around the circle at their eager faces and sighs. He sits down his bowl beside him on the log, finally giving up on finishing his meal. Then he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. The seconds all unconsciously lean forward as well in eager anticipation.

"Clarke of the Sky People is many things," Nyko says. "She is fierce as a mother jaguar protecting her cubs. But she can also be kind as the gentlest child. She has no magical powers, and yet there is power in her voice. When she speaks, even the loudest dissenters fall silent. She is brave as the bravest warrior, and she makes those around her brave as well. But she is also a skilled healer, for it was she who discovered the secret of turning Reapers into men."

"I still think she must have powers," one of the boys says.

"She does," Lexa says. She does not mean to speak, and she does not even realize she has done so until all of the seconds turn around to look at her with wide eyes.

"Commander," Nyko says, giving her a respectful nod. The young seconds quickly scramble to do the same.

"What... what do you mean?" one of the girls asks carefully. She is a brave one. Few of them have the courage to address the commander directly, despite being nearly the same age.

"Loyalty," Lexa says simply. "That is her power. Clarke is loyal to her people. She will do anything for them. And so they are also loyal to her. Loyal to the point of death."

"That does not sound like a magical power," one of the boys says.

"It is," Lexa assures him. "Loyalty is why Clarke took the mountain. She had five warriors at her back, and she did in a single night what our people could not in a century. She did it because her people were loyal to her and she to them. In the heat of battle, five loyal warriors are worth more than a hundred who are forced to fight. That is what broke the mountain. Loyalty. Not magic. That is what makes Clarke of the Sky People a truly great warrior."

She has to turn away then because her eyes and throat are burning. She had thought she was over this weakness, but apparently speaking of Clarke in this manner has brought all of the pain back to the surface. Or maybe it is the talk of Clarke's loyalty that has been her undoing. Loyalty that Lexa herself betrayed.

It takes everything she has not to run back to her tent. When she reaches it, she orders the guards outside to see to it that no one disturbs her. Then she slips inside and collapses into a chair. Her vision is beginning to blur, so she presses the heels of her hands against her eyes until she sees stars. Even so, there is a single line of moisture trailing down her cheek when she finally pulls away her hands.

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Two weeks later the Ice Nation tries to kill Lexa. She should have seen this coming. Theirs is the clan that has caused the most trouble among the coalition. They would prefer to be free from her rule. But this is rash, even for them. Even so, it very nearly works.

Lexa and a delegation of warriors are traveling between two villages when a bridge explodes. Mount Weather has been declared strictly off limits, but it seems someone defied Lexa's decree and salvaged a bomb that the Sky People missed. Several of Lexa's warriors are killed in the explosion. She happens to be across the bridge on the ground when the bomb goes off, but then the warriors of the Ice Nation swarm out of the woods. Arrows are flying everywhere. Lexa herself is only saved by the rearing of her horse, who accidentally takes an arrow meant for her. Then the horse goes down and takes Lexa with him.

There is chaos everywhere. The warriors who made it across the bridge with Lexa quickly engage in battle. Lexa scrambles to her feet and makes to draw her sword, but Indra is already yelling at a group of warriors to get her away from the fighting. As much as Lexa hates it, she has to admit that Indra is right. If she dies, the coalition will collapse. So she swallows her pride and runs.

The archers in the trees are fierce and the warriors of the Ice Nation are eager to keep Lexa from escaping. Her small escort falls quickly. Then there is only Lexa running through the trees. Thankfully she is small and quick, and she knows this land far better than the Ice warriors. She has little trouble giving them the slip.

Just when she thinks she is safe, however, one of them comes flying out of the brush and crashes into her. The sword in her hand drops to the ground. Lexa never has a chance. The warrior who has found her is both far larger and far stronger than she is. He slams his fist against her head and Lexa's vision spins. She can vaguely see a sword coming down at her head, but her body refuses to move. She tries to roll to the side, already knowing she will be too late-

A gunshot echoes through the woods. The warrior above her jerks and turns around, a spot of blood forming on his chest. There comes another crack of a gunshot and the warrior staggers. Then he falls. The ground is sloped to Lexa's right, and his body rolls a short distance before coming to a stop at the bottom of the incline.

Lexa stares after him in shock as her vision slowly steadies. She pushes herself up on her elbow and looks up to see a figure standing a short distance away with a small gun at their side. Their face is hidden in the shadow of a hood, making it impossible to know the identity of her savior. But as they turn away, the sunlight glints off a stray strand of golden hair, and suddenly Lexa knows.

"Clarke!" she calls.

The figure pauses briefly, and Lexa starts to wonder if maybe she was only seeing things. But then a hand pushes back the hood to reveal a cascade of blonde hair. Lexa stares in shock as the figure slowly turns back around. It is indeed Clarke.

For a moment Lexa feels only joy. Clarke is alive! A smile is already partway across her face before she realizes that this is not the same Clarke that she knew. The clothing is worn and the face is harder. The smiling curve of her mouth has been replaced by a stern line. But it is her eyes that have changed the most. There is a haunted look to them, a brokenness that Lexa sees sometimes in warriors who have been through too much. And then the stabbing pain in her heart returns because this is her fault. She did this to Clarke.

And yet Clarke saved her anyway.

"Why?" Lexa asks. It is all she can think to say in this moment.

"My people are safer with you in charge of the coalition," Clarke says flatly. Her face twitches, and then she adds, "You may be heartless, Lexa, but at least you're smart."

Lexa swallows hard at the familiar words. The first time Clarke said them, she was only using them to try and hide her feelings. But now they carry a fierce barb.

"Clarke, I-" Lexa begins. She has no idea what she is going to say, but in the end she never gets the chance. Clarke speaks first.

"I understand why you did it," Clarke says. Her gaze falls to the grass, and Lexa wonders again at how empty they have become. "I ended up making the same choice. But I still can't forgive you for it anymore than I can forgive myself."

Lexa is silent for a long moment. Then she nods in understanding. She cannot forgive herself for that night either. She wishes she could say that she would do things differently, but they both know it would be a lie. She had to choose her people. Just like Clarke did.

"Your heart is still strong," Lexa says finally. It is all she can think to say. Her tone wavers slightly, making it both an apology and an encouragement. Something stirs in Clarke's eyes then, like a dying ember coming back to life.

"And yours is still weak," she says softly.

The words may sound like an insult, but Clarke's tone is painfully tender. Lexa suddenly finds it hard to breathe. Because the way Clarke says weakness makes it clear that what she really means for Lexa to hear is love. She knows Lexa's deepest secret. She knows that Lexa has a heart. And she can still see right into it. And just knowing that she can tears open all of those old wounds anew.

The sudden rush of emotion in Lexa's chest threatens to drown her. She closes her eyes for a moment to regain control, and when she reopens them, Clarke is gone. Lexa takes a shuddering breath and lets it out. Clarke may be alive, but she is no longer the same. And even if she were, it would hardly matter. She would still be lost to Lexa forever.

"May we meet again," Lexa whispers to the empty air. But she knows in her heart that they will not. Clarke is gone. And Lexa must find a way to live with it.

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The coalition is steadily coming apart. Total war is imminent now. The clans are already splintering into various sides. Not even Lexa the legendary commander can hold them together. Any day now the fighting will begin, and then everything will be in chaos.

Lexa and those still loyal to her have already begun making preparations. They have just finished yet another preliminary war council, and the giant map of their armies are still spread out across the table as the generals and chiefs steadily file out of the command tent.

"Indra," Lexa calls without looking up from the marked positions of the various clans. "Stay."

No one is really surprised at her command. As the only chief the Sky People will speak with, Indra has become something of a legend in her own right. The other leaders now view her as the highest authority below the commander herself. She is also one of the most loyal to Lexa, and that makes her valuable.

Indra steps back over to the table and waits in silence until the others have gone.

"Commander," she says when they are finally alone.

"What do you think of our chances?" Lexa asks, motioning at the map.

"We will win," Indra says. Ever a woman of few words, that one.

"But the cost will be high," Lexa points out.

"It will," Indra agrees. "Many good warriors will be lost."

"And what of the Sky People?" Lexa asks, looking up.

"Some of the traitorous clans have approached them asking for aid, but they will give none," Indra says confidently. The Sky People have refused to have anything to do with Grounder politics. It is a good thing too, because after the fall of the mountain, many of the clans see the Sky People as fierce warriors. Their alliance with any one side would almost guarantee its victory.

"What about us?" Lexa asks quietly. "Would they give us aid?"

"They will not," Indra says.

"They promised protection to your village," Lexa points out.

Thanks to Octavia and Lincoln's respect for Indra, one of the terms of the truce between the Grounders and the Sky People is that Tondc is now neutral ground. The Sky People may enter it whenever they please without it being viewed as an act of war. Rather than taking advantage of the wrecked village, however, the Sky People have instead helped to rebuild it. While the two peoples still stay mostly separated, there is no doubt that there are tentative friendships beginning to form. Lexa has yet to decide if this strange relationship is because the Sky People bonded strongest with those from Tondc or because Abby and the others somehow feel that they owe this to Clarke.

"They will assist my people only if another clan attacks us," Indra explains. "We are free to fight for you as we wish, but the Sky People will not help us in this."

Lexa shakes her head in frustration as she studies the positions on the map.

"This is a waste," she says angrily. "We will lose too many warriors when we could be working together."

"Without fear of the mountain to unite us, our differences may be too great to overcome," Indra says.

There are very few people who dare to speak to Lexa in such an open way. Even Indra with all her fire used to remain silent unless spoken to. Or unless she thought her commander was making a mistake. She rarely offered up her opinion on any other matter. Now she still holds her tongue in front of the others, but she is becoming more free with her thoughts when she is alone with Lexa. The Sky People are changing her. But with the coalition crumbling around them, Lexa needs the advice Indra offers. So she lets the habit stand.

"Do you have a suggestion?" Lexa asks. Admitting she may not have the best plan would probably be interpreted by many of her generals as a sign of weakness, but again, the Sky People are rubbing off on Indra. She has begun to learn that there may be some merit in the give and take of their ways. And for now, that works to Lexa's benefit.

Indra studies the map for a long moment.

"No," she says finally.

The sudden silence that falls in the tent is broken shortly after by Lexa slamming her fist down on the table.

"There must be a way to reunite them," she says angrily. "If Clarke could take the mountain with five warriors, then surely we can salvage this."

"You are not Clarke," Indra says quietly.

"No," Lexa agrees. "Clarke would know what to do."

"Clarke would not have let this happen," Indra says. Lexa looks up with anger flashing in her eyes, but one look at Indra's face shows that she is not in fact calling Lexa an inferior leader.

"Explain," Lexa demands.

"If Clarke of the Sky People were with us, the clans would not dare defy her," Indra says.

"Be that as it may," Lexa says, returning her focus to the map, "Clarke is not with us."

"No," Indra agrees. "She is not."

Something about her tone dangles in the air, leaving a heavy silence that speaks of that night at the mountain.

"I made a choice," Lexa tells her. "I chose our people."

"It was the right choice," Indra says evenly. But still her tone hints that she is holding something back.

"To fight beside Clarke would have been to break our truce with the Mountain Men," Lexa says. Her hands atop the table have turned into fists. She cannot remember when that happened. She forces herself to uncurl them, but she knows Indra has already seen it.

"We broke another truce to gain that one," Indra points out.

"The mountain held our people prisoner," Lexa says fiercely. Her eyes are burning with anger as she looks up. How dare Indra question her? "Pulling back was the only way to save them."

"I agree," Indra says. But still there is that tone of disappointment.

Lexa looks down at the table and lets out a heavy breath as she finally understands what Indra is trying to imply.

"You think we should have gone back," Lexa says. "Removed our warriors until our people were safe, and then returned to fight beside Clarke."

"So do you," Indra says quietly.

Lexa is still staring down at the maps when the sound of the tent flap signals that Indra has left her alone. For a moment there is only heavy silence. Then Lexa gives an angry yell, swiping her arm across the tabletop and scattering the maps and tokens to the ground. She leans against the table as her breath comes in gasps. Each one is like a painful stab in her chest.

The wooden surface begins to blur in front of her, and for once, Lexa does nothing to stop it. Hot tears begin sliding down her face to plink against the table. When Costia died, Lexa had the dream of the coalition to keep her going. When she betrayed Clarke, holding the clans together served the same purpose. But now it is all collapsing around her and there is nothing she can do to stop it. Clarke could stop it. Lexa knows she could. But Clarke is not here. And soon the coalition will not be either.

Lexa has spent the last few months telling herself that she made the right choice, that even if she had another chance she would still choose the same. But now she knows better. That night in front of the mountain, she had been forced to choose between her heart and her head. Between Clarke and her people. And she made her choice. Only now it does not matter because she is going to lose them both.

As her nails dig into the dampened wood, Lexa finally admits to herself that she chose wrong. She thought at the time that choosing her heart would have been weakness, but now she is not so sure. Clarke would have chosen her heart. And it was Clarke, not Lexa, who conquered the mountain. The heart and not the head. Yes, the Mountain Men had threatened to kill Lexa's people. But maybe Clarke could have found a way to save them. Maybe she could have found a way for Lexa to keep them both.

But even if that were not the case, even if staying with Clarke cost the lives of all the Grounders in that mountain, Lexa knows that if she had the chance now to make her choice again, even if it cost her the coalition, in this moment she would choose Clarke in heartbeat.

* * *

Hopefully you enjoyed this story, despite its sad tone. Please take a second to leave a quick review letting me know what you thought. I would be extremely grateful. For more of Lexa and Clarke, the fourth chapter of my compilation "All's Fair in Love and War" looks at their relationship through Clarke's eyes from the day they meet up through Lexa's betrayal at the mountain. My story "The Long Road Home" shows my take on what happens to Clarke while she's away from camp, and it shows the meeting between she and Lexa from Clarke's point of view. I suppose it's a sort of companion piece to this story. Also, the eighth chapter of my compilation "Those Who Wait" mentions the ending of this story from Indra's point of view, and the twelfth chapter shows Lexa a few days after this point when she learns Clarke has finally returned to Camp Jaha. So feel free to check all those out as well. And as always, thanks for reading!


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